


These Aching Days

by sarahmademedoit



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Coming of Age, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Superfamily (Marvel), heavy on the hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 01:54:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19897957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahmademedoit/pseuds/sarahmademedoit
Summary: It ages Peter in a weird sort of way; being in the middle of it all, like this.+A story about love, redemption, healing, and what coming of age might really feel like.





	These Aching Days

**Author's Note:**

> All recognizable characters and plot points are the property of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. As always, Sarah made me do it.

It ages Peter, in a weird sort of way; being in the middle of it all, like this. 

He finds himself playing adult at fourteen. Then he’s playing adult so often that he becomes an adult, almost out of nowhere. When he sees photos of Steve Rogers on the news, he struggles to see anything other than the man who broke his Dad - not just physically, but emotionally. 

Of course, Dad tries to shield him. He tries to hide away the pain. But he can’t hide the way he screams himself awake at night. He can’t hide the bags that turn to suitcases beneath his eyes. He can’t hide the way he flinches from the spray of water, or how he doesn’t lie on his back anymore. Peter hugs him, and he feels how frail his Dad is. He feels the way his Dad is aging, and it scares him. 

Peter realizes something has changed when Uncle Rhodey goes to him with the weekly updates. Not to Dad, like always. To Peter. 

He tells him what Steve’s up to, why Steve won’t come home, whether Steve is likely to answer his calls. (He’s Steve now, in Peter’s mind. The name “Pops” is too close to home, too personal, too loving for that man.)

He calls the numbers often. Peter knows Steve won’t answer. He calls anyway. Just in case, he tells himself. Just in case. After eight months of missed phone calls, ignored phone calls, and ‘this number is no longer operational’ calls, he gives up. He stops calling the numbers Rhodey gives him and steels himself to the reality that Steve just doesn’t want to answer, doesn’t want to talk, wants nothing to do with the family he threw away to go chasing after his past. 

The subsequent year is his loneliest by far. 

When Steve shows up on their doorstep, the first thing Pete does is spit in his face. 

Steve has the nerve to try to hug him. Peter does the first thing that comes to mind: he jerks backward and spits on Steve's cheek. He spits, and says, “You deserve so much worse.” He walks away. 

He goes to warn Dad that Steve Rogers is on the premises. Dad doesn’t deserve to be blindsided by this coward. Dad deserves more that Steve Rogers walking in unannounced and unrepentant. He deserves more. 

-0-

James Buchanan Barnes, strangely enough, is the next one to approach. Barnes, at least, has the sense to email. He asks if he can come by the tower. No Rogers. No back up. No tactical gear. Just a man to man. (It scares Peter to be called a man at 16. It scares him more that he fits the mantle.) 

They meet at a cafe in SoHo. Barnes doesn’t even have his metal arm. The sleeve of his shirt is pinned neatly, close to the joint. When Peter sees it, he thinks of all the times Steve rolled his cuffs neatly and gently. It aches. 

He listens to Bucky. He listens, asks questions, and pushes his feet into the ground in the hopes of staying connected to his own body. As he listens, Peter realizes that Barnes needs this. Barnes needs to apologize, needs to say his piece even if Dad won’t forgive him. Peter knows that need well. It hits him every time he thinks of Steve. Except he doesn’t want to apologize to Steve. He wants to rage. Wants to spit out all the nasty things he keeps tucked away. Wants to hurt Steve, if only to remind himself that he isn’t helpless; isn’t fourteen and afraid and confused and abandoned. 

It hurts to be a fly on the wall as Dad and Bucky work through their pain. It hurts to watch two men who are usually so strong break at poorly sewn seams. It hurts most of all to watch the tears stream down Dad’s face. 

Peter knows that as much as Dad hated Howard, Dad also grieves every day for who and what Howard could have been to him. But, Howard is dead. Howard is dead, and his killer is standing in their living room. 

Peter decides, in that moment, that he likes Barnes a hell of a lot more than he likes Steve. Barnes doesn’t demand forgiveness. Barnes doesn’t make excuses or attempt to absolve himself. He just says his piece and waits for the judgement to come down. Just acknowledges that the Winter Soldier did things which can never be forgiven, only made peace with. 

That night, Peter watches the videos of Bucky’s brainwashing. As he watches them, he grieves the man Bucky once was because nobody can come out of that the same person they went in, no matter how much Steve Rogers might wish it. At the same time, he’s deeply angry with Steve. Nobody brainwashed Steve. Nobody tortured him. Yet, Steve is behaving like less of an adult than Barnes has been. 

It hits him that Steve is a child. He is chronologically and physically a man, sure. But inside, he is still a child on the schoolyard clinging to their mole hill of dirt because it is all they have. 

It makes him angry. It also heals him a bit. 

Steve has the grace to call before he comes round again. When Peter sees the Caller ID, he nearly ignores it. He’s still furious. He’s still learning what it is to hear the name Steve Rogers and not collapse under a wave of ragegriefbetrayal. But he picks up the phone, if only to prove to himself that he’s growing. 

The line is quiet for a moment, then,

“Hey, squirt!” 

“I’m not your squirt. Call me by my name.” 

A sigh. Peter holds firm. 

“Peter, I- I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” 

Peter knows its wrong to put Steve on the spot like this. He knows its wrong to ask this man to spill his guts over an unsecured line on what’s likely a burner phone. He knows that. But he also needs to know. He needs to hear Steve say it. 

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I hurt your Dad. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls. I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit father to you.” 

It hurts. It hurts like a bitch to hear Steve admit just how wrong he did Peter. It hurts to be reminded that at one point, Steve wasn’t Steve, he was Pops. He was Pops, and Peter sat at his feet coloring. He was Pops, and he was a good man. He was Pops, and Peter wanted to be just like him. Peter wanted to be a good man too, and now he isn’t even sure if good men exist, or if there are just those who hurt and those who heal. 

The tears are hot. He can feel the flush of his face and ears. His fingers are tingling. He can’t feel his legs. He forces his breath to be steady. Looks up and bites his lip ‘till it bleeds. Thinks of all the people in the last two years who’ve tried to fill the Steve Rogers shaped hole in his life, in his heart. 

He shakes his head. 

“Fuck you, Steve.” He doesn’t even have it in himself to yell. Just speaks into the receiver and tries not to break inside. He has to be strong. He has to be there for Dad. The thought gives him just enough strength to say his piece. 

“Fuck you. It’s too damn late for sorry. It’s too late for ‘I should have been a better father’. You’re right. You have been a shit father. Frankly, I don’t care that you’re sorry. That doesn’t undo the years you’ve been gone, all the-” 

Steve tries to cut in. “I know sorry isn’t enough, squirt, I-” 

“Shut up. Shut. Up. I’m talking now. You had your chance to make amends. You had your chance to explain yourself, and with every call you ignored, you choose not to. You had a whole fuckin’ two and a half years to make it right. But you didn’t. You made your priorities clear. Now it’s my turn, and you’re gonna listen.

“I grieved for you. I grieved for the man you could have been to Dad, to us. Sure, you’re a good man. But good men can make bad decisions, and you’re a prime example.”

The fight falls out of him. It plummets to the floor, and Peter nearly goes with it. 

“I’m so tired of being furious with you, Steve Rogers. I’m so tired of playing adult and cleaning up your mess.” 

He sighs. “June 10th. 10am. Be here. You’d better have a killer apology when you come through, ‘cause I won’t be defending a single goddamn thing you did.” 

Peter hangs up. He hangs up and weeps.

-0-

Peter doesn’t have the heart to be a fly on the wall when Steve comes. 

He tells Jarvis to keep an eye on them and walks away. He walks away, and steels himself for whatever will come next. He can hear them screaming from the basement. He turns his music up louder and throws himself harder into tweaking his goggles. He knows, as he does it, that if he listens to them he’ll break. He knows that if he breaks, he’ll never get all the pieces back together. 

Three hours later, Dad comes downstairs. He looks frail, old, tired. It hurts to look at him. Peter doesn’t move his gaze. 

“Steve wants to talk to you.” 

Dread drops into his stomach. Peter nods. Forces his body to stand. Forces his feet to move. Forces his muscles to push him up the stairs and into the study. Forces himself not to crumble where he stands. 

Steve was crying. That much is obvious. Pete swallows his rage, swallows the impulse to slap the man because he doesn’t deserve to cry. 

“You wanted to talk to me?” When did Peter’s voice become so steely? He doesn’t remember. 

Steve just nods. Says nothing. Then, 

“Peter, you were right. I made my priorities clear when I left. But they weren’t the right priorities. I should have thought about what Bucky might mean to your Dad. I should have thought about what bringing him into the mix might do to our family. I should have considered the fact that the Bucky I knew might not exist anymore. I wasn’t thinking straight. I-” 

He sighs, and suddenly Peter sees that he’s become an old man too. A child and an old man all in one. Peter has the childish urge to hug him, to wrap him up and soothe away all the hurt, to tell him that it wasn’t his fault. Peter tucks that urge away. 

“There’s nothing I can say,” Steve continues, “that can make this right between us. Not really. Not after what I’ve done.” 

Peter just nods. “You’re right.” 

Steve winces. Peter doesn’t apologize. 

-0- 

Peter sits tucked under Wade’s arm, watching the fireworks over the lake. Closer to the lake house, he can see Dad and Steve doing the same. A flicker of pain burns through him. He feels it. Lets it go. Its an old wound that aches whenever he sees them. Still, he thinks it’s nice that they found a love that can hold through an attempted murder and two year’s abandonment. 

At the water’s edge, Bucky and Natasha slow dance. There’s no music playing, yet they sway in perfect tanden. Beneath them, the tide rushes in and sweeps the sand from between their toes. 

There’s no flash of hurt when he looks at them. Just joy. He’s glad Barnes found someone who gets it, even if it is his sweet and vaguely murderous Aunt Sasha. 

Wade strokes his arm. “Whatcha thinkin’ ‘bout so hard, cupcake?” 

Peter shrugs. “Love, I guess.” 

Wade hums. Peter snuggles closer. Loves him a little harder for the way Wade doesn’t pry, doesn’t ask questions, just accepts what Peter has to offer. 

His family is far from healed. Even two years later, it hurts like a bitch to see Steve. He’s still angry. He still won’t call him Pops, might not ever again. But he can bear it. He can breathe without fearing he’ll collapse under a wave of sorrow. He’s found a slice of peace, and maybe that’s enough. 

Above him, the fireworks explode.

**Author's Note:**

> Herein be hurty-times! This one is definitely heavy on the hurt in the hurt/comfort. I feel like some of these topics needed to be touched on, so that's how this came about. I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
